Grappling with life.

Grappling with life.

This article is gonna be written about my own experiences with depression, anxiety and pain. However, is isn't a article for me this is for whoever needs some more tools in their struggles when carrying these burdens. "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about" Plato. Is quote I often recite to myself as a reminder that everyone around you has their own complex life and struggles. Nothing in this life is truly easy there is no easy way in life. You are always deciding between pain now or pain later. That isn't meant be a nihilistic point of view just my own observation on how life works.

I have always had depression and anxiety even as a child, I cannot remember a time when they were not looming over every action and thought. I learned to live it, cover it up and pretend it didn't matter. I found personally that I didn't like to burden anyone with anything because I saw they too had their own struggles and didn't need my weight added on. When you're a kid with these emotions they are blinding, it was impossible to even begin to identify them or even reason with them. I had a absentee alcoholic stepfather who has since passed. Then I had a wonderful mother who was raising two kids on her own working multiple jobs for a very long time. From my stepfather at the time he had multiple children with different mothers. This led me to spending a large amount of my time as a child trying to save them and give them the love and support they were not getting from him. Then also my cousins had very hard childhoods and this was also my cycle with them. To quote my late grandpa Taylor I had to be the man of the house. My grandpa was also a very depressed man in his own way. I could always see it, but I couldn't do anything to make him happier really.

Then at school I had friends who also had pretty rough home lives. I would spend a lot of my time just making jokes to them just to see them laugh. I also grappled with the usual bullying that occurs in education both at myself and at my peers and I took it upon myself to defend them often. I wouldn't punch or kick I would pretty much always just get hit and stand between the bully and the friend. Occasionally I would use simple grappling to stop the situation and make it clear this wasn't acceptable. Learning that using my words even if at the moment they didn't work they bought time for the people I cared about. I struggled in school a lot I was always having a hard time dealing with my emotions and the requirements getting good grades. I did want to be a paleontologist at one point then the dream kinda died. After that I was kinda just looking for jobs to be useful not happy.

These scars don't go away overnight or even ever. I still struggle with depression and anxiety, but I have better tools than I did when I was a kid. I still don't like being helped not a pride thing, but I don't feel worthy of the help. I feel other people need that help more than I do. I still feel enormous amounts of guilt that I couldn't save everyone I understand logically I couldn't however their pain lives on in me. I smile and laugh like everyone else when I am happy. I also don't smile when I am happy. I found this to a survival skill from my childhood that doesn't go away it just is. I am a happy person generally but looking at me, you wouldn't know it, probably. That's just my temperament and the scars that I carry in my life to this day. Reading history with all the amazing events and struggles that our ancestors endured is one of the greatest comforts in myself. They are a humble reminder that life has never been simple or easy it just is. In this life you have to arm yourself with these tools that you collect along the way not just for yourself but for the people you love.

This isn't me saying you have to take on the path of a Knight and take on everyone's burden. That isn't healthy I know, but you do need to prepare yourself for those instances where life throws everything it has at you and the people you love. The worst feeling in my life has always been letting down the people I love. I could sit in the mud being miserable about it. Or I can get on my feet put on my armour and shield then do it again this time better. Life isn't fair there are 8.2 billion people with different goals and interests in this world. They often clash in was that can absolutely upend your life as you know it. Don't live in fear of the tsunami but be ready for it all the same. There are wonderful people on your path in life who will help you through those events. And yes there are people who do want to see you fall. Don't focus on them life isn't about them, it's about the beauty not revenge. Remember they themselves are broken scarred people who are just as lost as anyone. They are showing you their pain, and they want the world to feel their pain. Not because they are evil but because they are broken in their own way.

I hope this helps even one person. I know I can't save the world however that little patch of my life where I can help I will die trying. I truly love you all and wish the best for you.

With gratitude and love,

Fox

Jazz does my attitude for me as you can see.